Christmas sort of blew through after a tumultuous fall. I cant really tell if the fall is just a poorer time of the year for me or if I just genuinely went into my 3rd term unprepared. I think it was a combination of a melody of issues but it sort of all came to a head this past week many months later when I was hospitalized.
Ill get to everything so fret not.
Seeing as I was so ready to get out of town with that last post, I might as well discuss what I feel has been a recurring problem of mine that I need to just work through and fix sooner rather than later. My affinity to not take situations seriously, mixed with my inability to be creative when my feet are to the fire. Its like being forced to suddenly commit and my god, am I the only one that puts up a fight?
I ended up just sort of disconnecting about week 6 or 7 last term and turned into a robot because I felt conflicted with my instructors. I work very hard on a personal level to form connections with my instructors because I dont want to miss a moment of what I am experiencing, so when the instructor for whatever reason is a bit icy, it can go two ways - they can understand my approach and be more open and understanding and develop a connection OR they will maintain their cooler personality and disconnect. Which everyone whos anyone that has had an ass of a teacher here and there tends to rate the in-class experiece as consistently poor on all accounts. Mine and theirs.
Christmas came and was no cakewalk either. My best friend came to Nashville with me but he was there for ONE day and one day only so I put him through the crash course - sort of. Since I have never been given 24 hours to entertain I would call it more difficult to plan in advance but I took him all over the place and we just went crazy (and still took time to stop off and look at cars too). Then after he left I started packing for our farm in Indiana, as I am pushing hard to get back into the routine of family trips up there for the holidays.
I took the MINI into get service and we found out that OH THATS RIGHT, MINI service is still fricking expensive. An oil change, new tires, and a new steering wheel later I am a little butthurt over the expense, no matter how necessary it was.
Little was I aware how important this trip was, regarding my grandmother, whom I have discussed at length on here before so if you are unfamiliar with the background just pause for a moment and go back a few posts and get caught up.
Mamaw (as I will call her that many more times because thats been her name to me forever and will forever stay that way) and I left out a couple of days early pre-christmas to get up to the farm before everyone and start doing set-up with christmas decorations and give me time to get her acclimated. I was actually really tired the day we left because I had to wait for my parents to get off of work and make sure they were home to see us off.
At the last minute when checking the weather I had seen that there was impending snow so I was SO excited to be in her MINI because everytime I have been in crap weather with mine it just shines performance wise. So onward north we went and gradually the weather worsened to the point where ice and snow were accumulating quickly, and I enjoyed the last hour or so coming into Muncie because it was slower and incredibly slick.
Obligatory pictures of the blizzard that ensued.
With dusk coming upon Christmas eve, my parents had now arrived and bringing our dogs along for the enjoyment, it ended up being a nice family engagement with my Aunt and her husband and my cousin joining too.
Something was amiss this year though as Mamaws illness has seemed to take ahold of her as far as undertanding of holidays, dates, time, and passage of time. As well as the ability to dress herself, use the restroom, eat, drink fluids, and shop without the full time assistance of myself or mainly my mom who was now entering her 5th year in taking care of Mamaw 96% of the time.
Following our family celebrating christmas on christmas eve (due to an impending second round of blizzard that made my Aunt nervous and an apparent other obligation with my uncles side of the family on Christmas) we moved quickly through some gifts and then after settling back down we, as a family minus mamaw, sat in the living room and mom discussed why they had opted to hang around in Nashville for a couple of days after Mamaw and I had left.
Mom and Dad had been doing research on a memory care facility that handles exclusively Alzheimer's patients in the later stages of the disease when they require 24hr care.
In the silence that followed my mom sharing that information, silent protest most likely came over my face because I had remembered immediately back in 2007 following my grandfathers passing ( his name being Papaw and only Papaw) that I would quit everything I was doing to maintain the ability for Mamaw to be cared for by me when the time came.
Quiet I remained, though, and most likely because the now week I had spent with Mamaw, had revealed to me how uncontrolled the situation with her truly was.
The truth was there in that house with us, sitting in the dining room with the TV on while the rest of the family spoke, and most likely as she sat there, confused, she looked out the window. Thinking about something that I will never know, unaware that not only was it christmas - but her last one at the farm.
My Aunt abruptly started negotiating with my mom about alternate options to nursing home care up until an hour later when they were walking out the door. The relationship with my Aunt and my mother, myself, and my dad had not been the same since Papaw died, I would immediately trace it to my mom becoming POA, my Aunts persistent addiction to drugs, and the social problems that resulted from that.
The hours long arguments that we used to have had quieted down about a year or two ago when she opted to stop doing drugs in her mid 40's and get her first job since having her child in 1995. My mom, having more optimism than anyone I have ever met, was so excited to share with everyone what my Aunt was doing and up to.
Having never really mended the fence/bridge/(apt metaphor for mending a relationship) with her because I cannot get a word in edgewise, it has always resulted in hundred-mile-an-hour excuses for all of her actions when it came to me. So as she pulled out of the driveway in her truck with all the lights on it, I quietly waited for the phonecall that we all expected sooner than when it actually came.
More negotiations led to hours-long phone conversation that evening as from my point of view, my aunt had a motive. My mom, crying, realized that my aunt had in fact not changed. Admitting that in front of my dad who, having remained a skeptic since my Aunt blasted my mom across the head with a Mountain Dew bottle the day of Papaws funeral, did not make eye contact with my mom because even he did not want to make this worse than it already was turning into.
Sleeping schedules had me incredibly off balance post-christmas, where waking up and getting up at 4am seemed normal and I would walk the dogs and watch the continuing blizzard outside. Mom cried a lot and dad tinkered in the barn, cleaning and organizing like I had never seen the man do before, all in the name of giving my mom space to grieve. She, alone, was losing her mother and realized that this was going to be the last christmas that we were going to spend at this farm with her. So mom did what she does best in times of immovable crises, she cleaned that damn farm until you could eat off of every surface. I was continually returning to town to pick up more cleaning supplies and food to keep moms mind occupied until I was able to share with her that I would like to return home for New Years, to spend with close friends (might as well call them family) and wrap up what had been a stressful situation for everyone.
My Aunt, now not speaking with my mother, thought it more mature to lash out on Facebook to share her feelings, was causing quite a stir amoung the rest of the family and not to get to side tracked on that, my only opinion is that one day I hope she wakes up and realizes that we would have preferred her to join us through the entire journey. Then again, counting all the other times she didnt join in, the bar was set really low.
Mamaw and I left the friday following Christmas and returned to Nashville, I worked hard to acclimate her back so when Mom and Dad got home, there would be no unpacking to do for Mamaw from mom. New Years sort of just came and went, but the biggest event was a week later when it was time to move Mamaw in. It went shockingly well, but it was the hardest thing hands down I have ever had to do, but that moment in time is saved for my memory and I would rather just summarize that it went well and the staff and nurses at the place truly made us feel welcome and home. Truly.
Following that it was suddenly quiet. The house had one less being within it and seemed to be so far out of balance that, even after trying, I couldnt find a solution. So mom cleaned, Dad was at work and I tinkered with the cars, and took the lights off the house.
The day before I left, I remember being on my way to Mom's office when I was pulled over for speeding, and then when it came time to return home, everything just kind of wrapped up in a bit of chaos. Much like it had started.
Arriving home I was nice, Spring term was starting and I was ready for it to. I went with my friend to get a Flu shot and within a week from that I was coughing so hard and suffering through the flu I should have just saved my 30$ and spent it on DayQuil. Also, I knew with that speeding ticket I had been blessed with, I was going to have to pay a hefty fine - and as it turned out - in the beginning of February, I actually was required to take driving school or get points on my license, and I dont get points given to me like that so ONWARD I flew, east back home for 24 hours to take care of this and fly back before actual school. Since then it was busy but manageable. I became acutely aware that my sleep schedule and eating habits changed over the course of the week and a half that followed me flying, and 9 days ago I woke up with shooting pain in my back and right shoulder.
What I found out after those symptoms became increasingly worse and I had eventually been admitted to the hospital, was that I had a blood clot in my right lung. So since then I have been placed on blood thinners, my mom has come out to help cause she freaked out (and rightly so, these are deadly folks).
So she left friday and this is my update. I figured there was alot missing from this and the best thing I could do is document.
Thanks,
Talk soon
B.
More Photos -
