Significance of Two

Two years ago this month I landed in the great neat state of California to begin basic art classes and build myself up to eventually apply to Art Center. Initially thinking it would take a year of preparation and classes, ended up leading to two years, 17 classes and some sort of headache.

I say headache because theres no gradual increase of 'standards in art' from the time you start to 2 years in. One day you're sort of taking it day by day then all of the sudden you are holding yourself accountable 2-4 weeks at a time when it comes to managing time with anything (working on assignments, laundry, eating, showering, sleeping, socializing).  I have to say that this becomes overwhelming at times and quite frankly exhausting. Speaking from my life everyday for 600 some-odd days now, you hold yourself to a certain standard with every project and you work hard to progress and the key is to progress quickly and if the talent isn't growing at the rate to which you would like or expect (which it usually never does) I personally get really pissed off. I get mad that I don't quite understand yet or my patience for formality in forming a great piece of art/design work isn't up to MY standards.

This summer is one of those shining examples as to why I feel like taking on the challenge of three classes ended up blowing up in my face by way of stretching myself too thin. I want to create substantial work for every class but there came a point and time when I just honestly didn't care how it turned out as long as the deliverables were met. So think of it as an almost point-of-regression where I am sitting there mad as hell looking down at my paper wondering where I drew such awful lines! Like many students (if not all of them), I love getting recognition for technique, ingenuity, and neat problem solving but it seriously fell off once I picked up Transportainment. I was unbelievably exhausted artistically and it was because I was too worried about making everyone happy and being perfect. If I was perfect I wouldn't be here. Thats what I need to remember. I just get frustrated, I feel, more than most.

SO-
this is the last week for summer ACN classes and I'm sitting at school wrangling these last few loose ends up. Wish me luck, because as soon as thats over I must assemble my entire portfolio for submission on October 1.

(ill let you in on a little secret)

I have never been so scared for my personal future and yet so confident in knowing that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, in my entire life. I feel so lucky. I feel very blessed. I don't thank my friends and family enough, but I love them and I really wish my grandfather were still here to be as excited as me and wish me luck. I know he is with me in sprit though.

At the end of the day though I am scared. Im scared because I want success and I want that to be exemplified by my actions and my words. I want to be as happy where I AM on the way to where I am going.

talk to you soon

-B